I was raised in a very religious home, by my mother. She was a single parent long before single parenthood was common. I grew up wishing I had a father, wondering what he looked like, and whether he ever thought about me.
When I was very young, my mother worked as a housekeeper, but by the age of 43, she was unable to work, due to physical problems, and that's how we ended up living on welfare.
I would not wish such a life on anyone! Not only is the small amount of money never quite enough to last to the end of each month, but many of the social workers were downright nasty. One took it upon herself to snoop in our cupboards. Others were rude and 'high and mighty' as Mum called them.
In the summer of 1970, when I was 17, my best friend and I left our little town to travel to the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia. The idea was that we would get work picking fruit in the orchards.
On August 9 a new boy, Nick S. arrived, fresh from hitch hiking up from the U.S. He told me later that the minute he saw me sitting under a maple tree in the park, he said to his pal, "That's the girl I'm going to marry!" He was 19, which seemed very grown up to me.
We travelled north to Vernon, B.C. and stayed at a youth hostel there. We met K. H., and his girlfriend, G.M. Shortly after, as we walked along the street, K.H. and G.M. pulled up in a bright lemon yellow convertible. K. H. told us that the car belonged to his uncle, who had told him he could borrow it. Never thinking at all, we hopped in when invited. K.H. and G.M. wanted to travel east, and they asked if we wanted to go along. We said, "Sure!"
After travelling through the Rockies, east into Alberta, and then to Saskatchewan, K.H. and G.M. and a few other people who we'd picked up hitch hiking, were all arrested by the R.C.M.P. -- the car was stolen!
I was put on a year's probation, and Nick got a few months in jail. After he served his time, he was deported across the border, to the U.S.
Nick came back across the border, to be with me. The police picked him up, and he was taken to Edmonton, Alberta. Immigration demanded that he have a sponsor, who would vouch for him. My mum put up the $10,000 bond (she didn't have to actually come up with the money, it was all on paper, which was good, because she was still on welfare!) and signed the papers so that Nick could stay in Canada.
He was told by Immigration to get a job, and prove he could be a good citizen or they would send him back to the States.
Nick and I married, on December 9, 1970, exactly 4 months after we'd met. It was a justice of the peace wedding, with two strangers as witnesses. But we didn't care -- we were defying Immigration, because we were sure that they would have stopped us if they'd had a chance. We hitch hiked a lot, to Toronto, and Hamilton, Ontario, and to Vancouver, and the Okanagan, in B.C. over the next year to year and a half. I worried that if he didn't get work and settle down somewhere, he would get deported.
Meanwhile, Nick's mental problems soon became apparent. He would get very depressed, often suicidal. He would lose his temper, and threaten me. Yet, I stayed with him, determined to "help" him. Looking back, of course, this was ridiculous, but at the time I truly thought I could 'save' him from himself.
Nick would grow restless, whenever we stayed in one place for long, and then he would simply take off, disappearing for days or even weeks at a time. Although Immigration had told him he was not to leave Canada during this period, he did so, then would have to come back across the border, risking the wrath of the government, or worse -- to be kept in the U.S. and away from me permanently.
When I discovered that I was pregnant, in the summer of 1971, I was so very happy, even though we had no means of support, and not even a roof over our heads at times. Nick was delighted at the idea of being a father, but he had no sense of needing to find work and settle down.
He took off and was gone for nearly 5 months. I spent my pregnancy first babysitting for a friend, and then living back at home with my mum. Welfare, of course, was there to pay for food and so on, but I remember buying one maternity top with my $10.00 clothing allowance one month, and realizing just how terribly poor I really was.
I went into labour about 8 p.m. on February 3rd, and Daniel Shelley S. was born on February 4th at 12:16 p.m., weighing 8 pounds 5 ounces, and 23 inches long. During the last couple of months of pregnancy, I'd spent a lot of time reading the old classics, and poetry. "Shelley" was in honour of Percy Bysshe, John Keats, and others from that era.
Home from the hospital, I realized just how much work a tiny baby really was. I tried washing cloth diapers by hand in the bath tub and drying them on chairs in the tiny kitchen but this was not working. There was no money to do the laundry at a laundromat.
Nick did not show up until late in the month, and although he held Danny and talked to him, after the months apart, I was beginning to see Nick with new eyes..... Over the next couple of months, Nick tried, as best he could. We found a small apartment and Nick got a job, working for the County, in the landscaping and trees department. He hated getting up in the morning, and I resented his temper, which he lost every morning when I woke him. I began to see that no matter what I did, we were not going to get along -- and it was not my fault...he still got violent no matter what I did.
We separated, and Nick headed back stateside. I lived in fear, though, that he would come back and perhaps harm Danny as well as me.
After much soul searching, I realized that raising Danny was something that I could not do on my own, or with my mom's help. I would not raise him on welfare, as I had been raised. I would not be a single parent, as my mother had been. I went to the welfare office, and talked with my social worker. Although she tried her best to dissuade me, I asked that Danny be placed in a foster home, where he would have his needs taken care of. The foster family had a lovely home, and there were TWO parents....things that I could not give Danny. I only visited him there a couple of times, before putting him up for adoption.
Time passed, and when Nick did not come back, I began to believe that perhaps he would not return, and I would be safe. I hoped that Danny was safe, in a new home, with parents who would love and care for him.
I got a job, divorced Nick, went to secretarial school, and re-married. Four years later, I had a son. I always had some fear that Nick would show up, and threaten me, and this child....it was then that I realized I still had the same fears, even though Danny was safe. Still, every year on his birthday, and on other days throughout the year, I would wonder what he was doing, and what he looked like. Was he happy? Were his parents good to him?
A friend introduced me to the ParentFinders adoption reunion group, in the late 1980s. I joined, happy to support them. The friend's search for her family did not go well. K.D.'s birth mom had no interest in meeting her at all -- she wanted no contact.
On the other hand, my husband's mom was glad to meet, when we found her. She had left my husband with his dad, when he was a baby. He was raised by his dad and stepmom. We maintain contact with his birth mom to this day.
In May of 2000, my husband and I had gone out shopping. On arriving home, we found a message on the answering machine from his stepmom. She asked that I call her.
I called, wondering what the mysterious message meant.
When M. answered the phone, she said, "Oh, Trish, I have some news for you, and I'm not sure if it's good or bad....."
"What is it?" I asked, beginning to worry.
"Well, a lady has phoned, and she says that Danny is looking for you."
I was excited, and completely in shock!
"That's GOOD news!" I said to M. "It's wonderful news! Thank you!"
M. gave me the phone number to call, and I spoke with the lady from Canadian Adoptees Registry Inc. She explained that the Registry had got my surname when matching me up with the old information that ParentFinders had had back in the 1980s.
They had managed to trace my inlaws, and that was why they'd phoned them. She said that Danny was living in Denmark and that she would contact him, then we would get the information on how to contact each other. I was very excited, as it all came back to me - how I had loved Nick, and how we had been so happy when we found out that I was pregnant, the bad times, and how I had agreed with the social worker, to never expect to see Danny again (even though I silently vowed that "I would so!")
There was then a wait of a couple of days, until Danny checked his email.....finally the lady from The Canadian Adoptees Registry Inc. phoned him. He hadn't checked his email -- he didn't think I would be found so quickly!
How excited I was, when I got Danny's email contact info. Our first emails were joyful, and so our reunion was all by internet....
And how wonderful it was to learn about Danny's life up until now. Danny reassured me that he has had a happy family life, growing up. He had been raised in a large family, with brothers and sisters, growing up in a small town. Strangely, the family who adopted Danny emigrated to Canada from Denmark. Danny travelled there with his parents, met his future wife and stayed. He did not know that my grandfather on my mother's side was from Denmark, coming to the US and then to Canada about 1913. I learned that he had a family, and I was so excited when he mailed me photos. I was able to tell him that he looks like his birthfather.
Danny continued to search for Nick, but sadly, he learned that Nick had passed away in 1995, at the age of just 43. Danny learned from Nick's brother that Nick had had a brain tumour.
When I learned this, I wondered if Nick had had the tumour for many years, and if it was the reason for much of his behaviour.Since Danny lives in Denmark, we had to be content with emails, phone and snail mail contact. But then, in May of 2004, Danny flew over to Canada to visit his parents. We met on May 24, Victoria Day. We visited for several hours, and then met at the airport a week later, to see him off for the return trip to Denmark.
In 2007, we travelled to Denmark, and stayed with Danny and his family for a few days. We had a wonderful time visiting, and also saw a lot of that country. A couple of years later, Danny, his wife and the two kids came to Canada for a holiday and we met again for a visit.
Danny's adoptive parents were completely supportive of his wish to search, and for that I am very grateful.
It is becoming easier to find identifying information as new laws are coming into effect.
Photos | Links | Main Site Page